A poll and some pondering

[annwfyn]

Yesterday somehow turned into a fairly constructive day. Well, setting aside the hours in which I'd stalked the library scowling at books, sulked in my room and ranted at a very understanding stuffed zebra. I still, however, managed to get a fairly reasonable amount of work done. I did a solid 9-5 pm day, and then spent the evening sampling Greek food at a nice restaurant in Summertown (it is lovely - anyone from Oxford - if you're up in Summertown look out for the Greek-Cypriot place on the Banbury Road) and then found myself at the cinema watching 'It's All Gone Pete Tong', which turned out to be much better than expected and surprisingly sweet in places.

Tonight I am driving to Hatfield for castorlion's birthday, and then back to London afterwards. Then back to Oxford the next morning.

Anyway, moving away from 'wot I did', I am currently pondering. This comes from a conversation I had the other day. Now, over the years, I have seen a number of various bust ups, explosions and grudges held over what can be described as 'person theft' or 'trollop like behaviour'. I put various types of behaviour which are not technically evil, but cause trauma and then are normally forgiven. I put in situations like 'she knew I liked him, but went out with him anyway', 'I think he and her were getting close while we were still together and then started going out a week later', 'he was my best mate and started seeing my ex while I was still hung up on her'. That kind of thing.

Now, I was discussing situations such as this with pierot* and he commented that in his opinion it was far harder to forgive and forget behaviour such as this if the couple stayed together. It meant that there was a constant low level reminder that it had happened. I suppose as well there would be a reminder that someone else was benefitting from your pain, in some way. I think I disagreed. I felt that in some ways it was easier to get over such things if the couple did get married and live happily ever after. In my mind, that means that their relationship really meant something. And (in my rather pink tinged world view) you can't really resent True Love or some variant thereof.

This got discussed, and pondered and I'm still pondering it today.

So. Imagine your girlfriend ran off with another man a week after she broke up with you 'because I just need to be by myself right now'. Imagine your best friend stole the guy you'd been eying up for months. What is easier to forgive?

[Poll #504230]


* Who I've noticed I mention far far too often. Nearly every single LJ entry. It's rather pathetic, isn't it? My only excuse is that he does tend to be the person I start having these conversations with that I then bring to the outside world. That and I spend far too much time with the boy. Oh well. I suppose there are worst things in the world than a relationship where one enjoys the other's company and conversation.

Comments

[nickys.livejournal.com]

> I put in situations like 'she knew I liked him, but went out with him anyway', 'I think he and her were getting close while we were still together and then started going out a week later', 'he was my best mate and started seeing my ex while I was still hung up on her'. That kind of thing.

I think in these circumstances it depends on the intent.

If someone is off on a massive insecurity attack or ego-trip and is deliberately breaking up other people's relationships then
a) they need help
and
b) it's not easy to forgive (and indeed not sensible to forgive - I generally believe that forgiveness has to be at least partially conditional on an intent to behave better in future)


but if stuff happens and people genuinely fall in love then I think you just have to accept that you don't own partners and let them move on.


As for leaving someone, really, if you don't want to be with them then you should break up with them, because otherwise you're just lying to them really.
It gets bad if you line up the new partner before breaking up with the old one, though. That is bad.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

It gets bad if you line up the new partner before breaking up with the old one, though. That is bad.

Do you think that can happen by accident, tho? I know I've been in situations where I've been in a not-quite-working relationship and found myself developing feelings for someone else. Is there an ethical way to deal with that kind of situation?

[nickys.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, that can happen by accident too.

I should think the ethical thing to do would be to break off the first relationship as soon as possible after you realise that the new one is developing.
You can't really do more than that.