A poll and some pondering
Jun. 1st, 2005 09:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annwfynYesterday somehow turned into a fairly constructive day. Well, setting aside the hours in which I'd stalked the library scowling at books, sulked in my room and ranted at a very understanding stuffed zebra. I still, however, managed to get a fairly reasonable amount of work done. I did a solid 9-5 pm day, and then spent the evening sampling Greek food at a nice restaurant in Summertown (it is lovely - anyone from Oxford - if you're up in Summertown look out for the Greek-Cypriot place on the Banbury Road) and then found myself at the cinema watching 'It's All Gone Pete Tong', which turned out to be much better than expected and surprisingly sweet in places.
Tonight I am driving to Hatfield for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
castorlion's birthday, and then back to London afterwards. Then back to Oxford the next morning.
Anyway, moving away from 'wot I did', I am currently pondering. This comes from a conversation I had the other day. Now, over the years, I have seen a number of various bust ups, explosions and grudges held over what can be described as 'person theft' or 'trollop like behaviour'. I put various types of behaviour which are not technically evil, but cause trauma and then are normally forgiven. I put in situations like 'she knew I liked him, but went out with him anyway', 'I think he and her were getting close while we were still together and then started going out a week later', 'he was my best mate and started seeing my ex while I was still hung up on her'. That kind of thing.
Now, I was discussing situations such as this withpierot* and he commented that in his opinion it was far harder to forgive and forget behaviour such as this if the couple stayed together. It meant that there was a constant low level reminder that it had happened. I suppose as well there would be a reminder that someone else was benefitting from your pain, in some way. I think I disagreed. I felt that in some ways it was easier to get over such things if the couple did get married and live happily ever after. In my mind, that means that their relationship really meant something. And (in my rather pink tinged world view) you can't really resent True Love or some variant thereof.
This got discussed, and pondered and I'm still pondering it today.
So. Imagine your girlfriend ran off with another man a week after she broke up with you 'because I just need to be by myself right now'. Imagine your best friend stole the guy you'd been eying up for months. What is easier to forgive?
[Poll #504230]
* Who I've noticed I mention far far too often. Nearly every single LJ entry. It's rather pathetic, isn't it? My only excuse is that he does tend to be the person I start having these conversations with that I then bring to the outside world. That and I spend far too much time with the boy. Oh well. I suppose there are worst things in the world than a relationship where one enjoys the other's company and conversation.
Tonight I am driving to Hatfield for
castorlion's birthday, and then back to London afterwards. Then back to Oxford the next morning. Anyway, moving away from 'wot I did', I am currently pondering. This comes from a conversation I had the other day. Now, over the years, I have seen a number of various bust ups, explosions and grudges held over what can be described as 'person theft' or 'trollop like behaviour'. I put various types of behaviour which are not technically evil, but cause trauma and then are normally forgiven. I put in situations like 'she knew I liked him, but went out with him anyway', 'I think he and her were getting close while we were still together and then started going out a week later', 'he was my best mate and started seeing my ex while I was still hung up on her'. That kind of thing.
Now, I was discussing situations such as this with
pierot* and he commented that in his opinion it was far harder to forgive and forget behaviour such as this if the couple stayed together. It meant that there was a constant low level reminder that it had happened. I suppose as well there would be a reminder that someone else was benefitting from your pain, in some way. I think I disagreed. I felt that in some ways it was easier to get over such things if the couple did get married and live happily ever after. In my mind, that means that their relationship really meant something. And (in my rather pink tinged world view) you can't really resent True Love or some variant thereof. This got discussed, and pondered and I'm still pondering it today.
So. Imagine your girlfriend ran off with another man a week after she broke up with you 'because I just need to be by myself right now'. Imagine your best friend stole the guy you'd been eying up for months. What is easier to forgive?
[Poll #504230]
* Who I've noticed I mention far far too often. Nearly every single LJ entry. It's rather pathetic, isn't it? My only excuse is that he does tend to be the person I start having these conversations with that I then bring to the outside world. That and I spend far too much time with the boy. Oh well. I suppose there are worst things in the world than a relationship where one enjoys the other's company and conversation.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 09:49 am (UTC)Is it then fair to blame someone for moving on after a break up just becuse a person can't seem let go? Or in fact, to carry a grudge over a break up that you may have caused yourself?
We are inherently selfish creatures that never like to be reminded of loss or failure, regardless of how our own lives improve.
Much of the long term damage is not a cause of the person leaving, but the inability of the person left to deal with the changes.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-01 09:56 am (UTC)A couple of years back I'd have hit the roof.
And yes - I do agree with you on people often being inherently selfish. We are, after all, not really able to see the world from anyone else's point of view. We can imagine what it might be, but we never really KNOW. Not without telepathy. That means that all events only really take place in relation to our own position.
*nods*
Date: 2005-06-01 10:01 am (UTC)*shrugs* It also gets easier with age. Either a case of time heals things, or we just get too old to care anymore.
Re: *nods*
Date: 2005-06-01 10:06 am (UTC)I've had people lie to my face, and been utterly convincing. Later I've found out they've lied through their teeth. I've had people genuinely believe they are telling me the truth about something, when really they have just gotten the wrong end of the stick. So, asking directly often doesn't work.
I've completely misunderstood actions myself and assumed other people work like me, when they really don't. So, deductive reasoning is also out of the window.
And let's not even touch eye witness statements!
I do tend to think that a lot does get easier with age. I think, particularly when it comes to relationship type stuff, you learn that everything does heal, and that some things that you care about so much when you're young are just dross. That, and I guess big things happen that put everything else into perspective.
I still can blow up over small things or get upset over absolutely nothing, but I look at myself now and compare myself to me-at-19 and I know I've come a long way.
Re: *nods*
Date: 2005-06-01 10:16 am (UTC)We just have to learn with time that all you really need to do in life is become cynical and jaded, accepting that most people look out for Number 1 first. Kinda kicks holes in that true love thing annoyingly. Even lovers lie to each other.
Re: *nods*
Date: 2005-06-01 04:04 pm (UTC)This will likely all cease when I return to the real world :)
Re: *nods*
Date: 2005-06-02 01:35 pm (UTC)What's the phrase? "When you lie you kill a little piece of the world"? Perhapes the worls is too big and people should think "When you lie you kill a little piece of yourself"