Of endings and other things....
Apr. 4th, 2005 10:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annwfynDear Camarilla
Honey...I don't know how you're going to take this letter. A bit of me thinks this might be a hurtful note, and wishes I didn't have to write it. A bit of me suspects you won't really notice anymore. Either way, some of this needs to me said.
You and me have been together a while, Camarilla. We first met when I was still at university. You were the geeky kid in the corner, the one my cool indie kid friends told me not to bother with. They said all you were about were the faded metallica t shirts, and the grotty grey trainers. They said you cared too much about numbers and rules and had rather bad personal hygeine. Erm. Yeah. Actually, I gotta admit they were mostly right. But I was lonely...heck...I was desperate. I hadn't had a good date with a decent larp in a while - not since I broke up with Dunedin, because I couldn't hack the latex ears and patched together doublets. I wanted a larp in my life, and at least I hadn't ever had so much as a one night stand with you.
You were kinda rare in that. I may have been a bit of a larp slut when we met.
Anyway, we started dating. And, much to my surprise, I realised that for all the ketchup stains on your front and the occasional numbers geekery, you were actually kinda fun. Every date we had I'd come out of smiling. I did stupid stuff I never thought I'd do, like trying to climb out through the walls of a multi-storey car park after crawling through police lines. I bought potence. I travelled to London to get myself blood bound by Kyne Brooker and it was fantastic.
You know, I did fall in love with you a bit. The other larps fell away. I didn't need them in my life. Not when I had you. You'd travel with me, meet new people with me. We always seemed to have new things to explore. Werewolf, mage, changeling. Yeah, I can safely say we had a good time. Without you I wouldn't have met half my friends. Without you I would never have learnt just what Dark Thaum really does.
Actually, Camarilla, I think maybe that might be one of those things that I'd rather you didn't bring up in public. I did feel a little dirty afterwards.
For years we were inseperable. Some of my old friends seemed to think I was crazy. They said I devoted too much time to you and couldn't talk of anything else. But they said the same about the crack habit and I know they were just trying to spoil my fun then, as well. I was a DC, an ADST, a DST, an ARST and an RST. I played characters in every venue. I played online, abroad, via e mail. You meant so much to me.
And then, I guess, it began to change.
I don't quite know when. Maybe it was the day you told me you'd gotten involved with the Year of Fire crew. I told you I didn't like them, wasn't comfortable hanging out with them, but you didn't want to know. You wanted to live on the wild side, said I'd appreciate my IC life more knowing that it was going to end. You said you wanted to expand, be epic. I said I kinda liked the slow moving soap opera, but I don't think I had much control over you by then.
And since then...
I don't know.
You see, I've noticed lately that you don't make me smile as much. I've noticed, in fact, that you're not good for me. I'm around you and I seem to fight with my friends, I get tense, I get upset. I've found myself making excuses not to go see you. And it isn't just me. It's you as well. You used to be a pretty easy going guy. You wanted things to be fun. Not too serious. Not too heavy. Lately you've become more and more controlling. Accountability is all very well, but when you told me that I shouldn't have bought that milk without checking with you - honey - you've been getting out of control.
It's just not fun anymore. Your friends tell me I'm a whiney bitch who is just spoilt and used to being important. Maybe they are right. But I think telling me that after one of them ran over my dog while borrowing your car is kinda crappy. I know the dog was sick, but 'bitch needed to die' really wasn't the best way to break it to me either.
Basically, Camarilla, we're through.
You smell. You've been putting on weight. The cologne - it smells of battery acid. And honey - I've got more news. I'm not afraid to be alone any more. Maybe I won't have a new sexy larp in my life (although I hear rumours of a hot little piece of Fading Suns passion play larp action. Whew! The arse on that thing!) but I can live with being on my own.
We're through. I'm leaving you.
So long, and thanks for all that MC.
Sally
Honey...I don't know how you're going to take this letter. A bit of me thinks this might be a hurtful note, and wishes I didn't have to write it. A bit of me suspects you won't really notice anymore. Either way, some of this needs to me said.
You and me have been together a while, Camarilla. We first met when I was still at university. You were the geeky kid in the corner, the one my cool indie kid friends told me not to bother with. They said all you were about were the faded metallica t shirts, and the grotty grey trainers. They said you cared too much about numbers and rules and had rather bad personal hygeine. Erm. Yeah. Actually, I gotta admit they were mostly right. But I was lonely...heck...I was desperate. I hadn't had a good date with a decent larp in a while - not since I broke up with Dunedin, because I couldn't hack the latex ears and patched together doublets. I wanted a larp in my life, and at least I hadn't ever had so much as a one night stand with you.
You were kinda rare in that. I may have been a bit of a larp slut when we met.
Anyway, we started dating. And, much to my surprise, I realised that for all the ketchup stains on your front and the occasional numbers geekery, you were actually kinda fun. Every date we had I'd come out of smiling. I did stupid stuff I never thought I'd do, like trying to climb out through the walls of a multi-storey car park after crawling through police lines. I bought potence. I travelled to London to get myself blood bound by Kyne Brooker and it was fantastic.
You know, I did fall in love with you a bit. The other larps fell away. I didn't need them in my life. Not when I had you. You'd travel with me, meet new people with me. We always seemed to have new things to explore. Werewolf, mage, changeling. Yeah, I can safely say we had a good time. Without you I wouldn't have met half my friends. Without you I would never have learnt just what Dark Thaum really does.
Actually, Camarilla, I think maybe that might be one of those things that I'd rather you didn't bring up in public. I did feel a little dirty afterwards.
For years we were inseperable. Some of my old friends seemed to think I was crazy. They said I devoted too much time to you and couldn't talk of anything else. But they said the same about the crack habit and I know they were just trying to spoil my fun then, as well. I was a DC, an ADST, a DST, an ARST and an RST. I played characters in every venue. I played online, abroad, via e mail. You meant so much to me.
And then, I guess, it began to change.
I don't quite know when. Maybe it was the day you told me you'd gotten involved with the Year of Fire crew. I told you I didn't like them, wasn't comfortable hanging out with them, but you didn't want to know. You wanted to live on the wild side, said I'd appreciate my IC life more knowing that it was going to end. You said you wanted to expand, be epic. I said I kinda liked the slow moving soap opera, but I don't think I had much control over you by then.
And since then...
I don't know.
You see, I've noticed lately that you don't make me smile as much. I've noticed, in fact, that you're not good for me. I'm around you and I seem to fight with my friends, I get tense, I get upset. I've found myself making excuses not to go see you. And it isn't just me. It's you as well. You used to be a pretty easy going guy. You wanted things to be fun. Not too serious. Not too heavy. Lately you've become more and more controlling. Accountability is all very well, but when you told me that I shouldn't have bought that milk without checking with you - honey - you've been getting out of control.
It's just not fun anymore. Your friends tell me I'm a whiney bitch who is just spoilt and used to being important. Maybe they are right. But I think telling me that after one of them ran over my dog while borrowing your car is kinda crappy. I know the dog was sick, but 'bitch needed to die' really wasn't the best way to break it to me either.
Basically, Camarilla, we're through.
You smell. You've been putting on weight. The cologne - it smells of battery acid. And honey - I've got more news. I'm not afraid to be alone any more. Maybe I won't have a new sexy larp in my life (although I hear rumours of a hot little piece of Fading Suns passion play larp action. Whew! The arse on that thing!) but I can live with being on my own.
We're through. I'm leaving you.
So long, and thanks for all that MC.
Sally
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 06:45 am (UTC)*ponders*
I did think about the 'throwing the toys out of the pram' analogy. I did think about it fairly long and hard, and that's one of the reasons I kinda chose to tell people in the format I did. I figured that ending it all with a godalmighty rant probably was being bratty (although SO tempting) and would probably just cause bad feeling. I thought that something reasonably witty might look kinda better.
I just don't want to do this anymore, Matt. I don't want to feel this angry and this crappy and this stressed and this upset with people that I actually like. I don't want to feel like I'm being made to chose between saying 'it's ok...I should have been at the Garou National...' while feeling awful about it, or making everyone else unhappy.
I don't like the person it's making me. I don't want to be this person that snaps and rants and snarls. It isn't fun anymore.
I will miss you. I will also try and kick myself into phoning more and I hold to the offer of a trip up to Manchester at some point soon. I don't want to lose touch entirely, although god knows I am crappy at regular communication, but I do think you're fantastic and you were one of the two things that made me nearly back out of writing this entry. I just don't want to stay in a situation which is making me miserable tho.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 07:05 am (UTC)Meeting up sounds cool though as does a manchester trip, lots of folk up there I do need to see outside of cam and I've been crap about hmm
shit late for work
no subject
Date: 2005-04-05 07:13 am (UTC)I may even descend upon you in Cambridge at some point.
Good luck with work and the like. I'm sitting around being annoyed with myself for not sleeping properly. It turns out that leaving the Cam is a lot like breaking up with a boyfriend in so many ways. I'm sleeping badly, periodically get stressed and wonder if I'm making the right decision, get bouts of anger, and then remind myself that it is the right choice and I'll feel better once it's all over.
I wonder if making a
smalllarge voodoo doll in a badly fitting corset with a cheap ankh attached to the front and stabbing pins in it would work well. That method has been used with some success with a couple of exes (not Jason, I hasten to add) before. :p