Of endings and other things....

[annwfyn]

Dear Camarilla

Honey...I don't know how you're going to take this letter. A bit of me thinks this might be a hurtful note, and wishes I didn't have to write it. A bit of me suspects you won't really notice anymore. Either way, some of this needs to me said.

You and me have been together a while, Camarilla. We first met when I was still at university. You were the geeky kid in the corner, the one my cool indie kid friends told me not to bother with. They said all you were about were the faded metallica t shirts, and the grotty grey trainers. They said you cared too much about numbers and rules and had rather bad personal hygeine. Erm. Yeah. Actually, I gotta admit they were mostly right. But I was lonely...heck...I was desperate. I hadn't had a good date with a decent larp in a while - not since I broke up with Dunedin, because I couldn't hack the latex ears and patched together doublets. I wanted a larp in my life, and at least I hadn't ever had so much as a one night stand with you.

You were kinda rare in that. I may have been a bit of a larp slut when we met.

Anyway, we started dating. And, much to my surprise, I realised that for all the ketchup stains on your front and the occasional numbers geekery, you were actually kinda fun. Every date we had I'd come out of smiling. I did stupid stuff I never thought I'd do, like trying to climb out through the walls of a multi-storey car park after crawling through police lines. I bought potence. I travelled to London to get myself blood bound by Kyne Brooker and it was fantastic.

You know, I did fall in love with you a bit. The other larps fell away. I didn't need them in my life. Not when I had you. You'd travel with me, meet new people with me. We always seemed to have new things to explore. Werewolf, mage, changeling. Yeah, I can safely say we had a good time. Without you I wouldn't have met half my friends. Without you I would never have learnt just what Dark Thaum really does.

Actually, Camarilla, I think maybe that might be one of those things that I'd rather you didn't bring up in public. I did feel a little dirty afterwards.

For years we were inseperable. Some of my old friends seemed to think I was crazy. They said I devoted too much time to you and couldn't talk of anything else. But they said the same about the crack habit and I know they were just trying to spoil my fun then, as well. I was a DC, an ADST, a DST, an ARST and an RST. I played characters in every venue. I played online, abroad, via e mail. You meant so much to me.

And then, I guess, it began to change.

I don't quite know when. Maybe it was the day you told me you'd gotten involved with the Year of Fire crew. I told you I didn't like them, wasn't comfortable hanging out with them, but you didn't want to know. You wanted to live on the wild side, said I'd appreciate my IC life more knowing that it was going to end. You said you wanted to expand, be epic. I said I kinda liked the slow moving soap opera, but I don't think I had much control over you by then.

And since then...

I don't know.

You see, I've noticed lately that you don't make me smile as much. I've noticed, in fact, that you're not good for me. I'm around you and I seem to fight with my friends, I get tense, I get upset. I've found myself making excuses not to go see you. And it isn't just me. It's you as well. You used to be a pretty easy going guy. You wanted things to be fun. Not too serious. Not too heavy. Lately you've become more and more controlling. Accountability is all very well, but when you told me that I shouldn't have bought that milk without checking with you - honey - you've been getting out of control.

It's just not fun anymore. Your friends tell me I'm a whiney bitch who is just spoilt and used to being important. Maybe they are right. But I think telling me that after one of them ran over my dog while borrowing your car is kinda crappy. I know the dog was sick, but 'bitch needed to die' really wasn't the best way to break it to me either.

Basically, Camarilla, we're through.

You smell. You've been putting on weight. The cologne - it smells of battery acid. And honey - I've got more news. I'm not afraid to be alone any more. Maybe I won't have a new sexy larp in my life (although I hear rumours of a hot little piece of Fading Suns passion play larp action. Whew! The arse on that thing!) but I can live with being on my own.

We're through. I'm leaving you.

So long, and thanks for all that MC.

Sally

Comments

[inskauldrak.livejournal.com]

Heh, well written.

I may not be feeling like that but then, I'm a horrible slut and have been two-timing the Cam with Firstborn (www.vapourspace.net/firstborn/index.stm) though that as the poor dear is going to die in two turns, we're trying to work out if there'll be a love-child.

And of course, I've got this tasty bit called the Labour Party as well ; )

Though seriously, you do realise this means (shock!horror!) people might have to make an effort to meet up with friends like proper grown-ups!

Take care.

[taimatsu]

*hug*

As Michael said - well written. I'm sorry to hear it, though. I think we'll manage to keep in touch anyway, though (or at least I hope so).

Be good to yourself :)

[skinny-cartman.livejournal.com]

heh thats actually quite amusing to read if it wasn't also rather sad.

May I point out this looks like a knee jerk reaction? if it came after a few rather uneventful months where you decided things weren't grabbing you etc. then it'd look better but as it is makes you look rather like a petulant kid taking its ball away but hey (thats just perception not meant to be something saying you are or anything cos I don't believe that)

Oh well no more civil war characters then *shrugs*

Very sad to see you go, especially as I know no matter how much I'd say I'll try and keep in touch and stuff it'd be a damn lie and won't happen other than once in a blue moon, I'd like to live in that lie really would but I can't so guess this is going to be the only way I'll get to say bye and that, hope to meet up again some day.

[lilitufire.livejournal.com]

*chuckles*

We didn't make *you* wear latex ears as I recall. You were a dodgy eyeshadow kind of a girl :)

Seriously, I know the Cam has meant a lot to you, and while I have no idea whatsoever what's going on, I hope you come to the right decision for you.

*hugs*

[wyldcard.livejournal.com]

Bye.

[skinny-cartman.livejournal.com]

Okay that was harsh of me..

The truth is I want to be selfish and say your a good friend have been for a while but the only times I do see you and stuff these days is at cam events, so well I don't want you to quit, I thorough understand that currently you've been shafted badly (and I do support your position on this - or what I see as your position) and that its hurtful and stuff but hmm I still don't want you to quit, we've had some good times in the cam and I think we can again, its just that at the minute things are more than a bit wooly and in some weird transition period that seems almost never ending but unless people try and make something of it.. I'd like to play with you more and make something from this game and stuff. Also as I've said before on completely selfish grounds I know that living where I am and having crap money and being in the cam most of my affordable social life will have cam in it thus meaning that whilst I could endevour to meet up with you outside of cam stuff it'd be rare or on some coincidental cam based trip out, I've learnt this through experience of friends outside cam, unless I'm involved in something with them I rarely meet up or phone or mail etc. its incredibly shitty of me to do so but at the sametime I can't do everything I'd want to do due to time and money constraints, hence its why I do a lot of play by email games with old friends means I have reasons to mail them and phone them etc. I don't want to lose contact with you or lose you as a friend but I feel that what is fairly distant now will be even more so if none existant if/when you do leave, and that I regret a lot, I like you your a good friend and good fun to be around, but even if we were both out of cam I doubt we'd be able to maintain decent contact and thats incredibly sad and something I don't want to happen (no doubt if you have made up your mind it will and I'm just ranting out my own thoughts but hey)

I also know that lots of us have gone through major up and down patches in the camarilla with people in it and the games etc. but each time we've bounced back created something new and cool to play and do and made it fun again, I'm hoping its just another of these spells, and if it is you know I'd do anything I can to help make things fun again to craft the world we want and tear down our enemies again or whatever, I was really looking forward to playing in a coterie with you again, I think it could be great but.. hmm depressing news, I know you have every right to say fuck the camarilla I just selfishly wish you'd reconsider, part of me says I should support you and your wishes in this but I know it also means months or longer if not ever of not speaking or having you there as a mate. I'm sorry I can't do that, I'm sorry I'm not closer geographically so that I could meet up and stuff and I'm sorry that I will be a shit am being a shit and choosing an organisation above one of my best friends thats well fucking shitty of me.
That's why I can only just say bye and hope to see you again some day, I hope it isn't the case but.. okay I'm mopey and drivelling I'm sure you catch my drift, gimme a call sometime huh?

[suchid.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're leaving, but I know you're making the best decision for you. I hope we can stay in touch. :)

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

only reason I'm in it is that I landed the DC job - soon as we find someone else, I expect I will leave too

[commlal.livejournal.com]

The point about the milk is very true, its very much how I feel at the moment. Its the point where it becomes a chore and not a hobby that you need to take a step back and re assess.

Give me a ring if you want to hang out. I'll be moving soon and you and Jez and co are more than welcome at the new flat.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

I did actually call Jason last night to say that I'd still like to meet up with you and him this Saturday if you guys would like. Was going to call you today.

*ponders*

I did think about the 'throwing the toys out of the pram' analogy. I did think about it fairly long and hard, and that's one of the reasons I kinda chose to tell people in the format I did. I figured that ending it all with a godalmighty rant probably was being bratty (although SO tempting) and would probably just cause bad feeling. I thought that something reasonably witty might look kinda better.

I just don't want to do this anymore, Matt. I don't want to feel this angry and this crappy and this stressed and this upset with people that I actually like. I don't want to feel like I'm being made to chose between saying 'it's ok...I should have been at the Garou National...' while feeling awful about it, or making everyone else unhappy.

I don't like the person it's making me. I don't want to be this person that snaps and rants and snarls. It isn't fun anymore.

I will miss you. I will also try and kick myself into phoning more and I hold to the offer of a trip up to Manchester at some point soon. I don't want to lose touch entirely, although god knows I am crappy at regular communication, but I do think you're fantastic and you were one of the two things that made me nearly back out of writing this entry. I just don't want to stay in a situation which is making me miserable tho.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

It was a great larp. I've got a lot of fond memories of it. Bless that sluargh.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

I need to get in touch with you soon about the Reduced Shakespeare Company actually - need to sort out a night to do that on.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

I'm mopey too. I did cry when I wrote this.

I just don't like being shouted at (not by you - another conversation which mostly prompted this post). Ach. I'll probably call you later and try and explain. Might be better that way. I'll call this evening, or if you're free at all during work then drop me a call and I'll call straight back. I'll have my phone switched on all day.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Kinda hoping I don't lose touch with you entirely. I mostly rather like you.

[skinny-cartman.livejournal.com]

Its not that I don't understand hun, I do and I think you have every right and reason to up and leave.. its just made a lot of good friends through the cam but also at the sametime lost a lot of good friends or at least the contact with them when they left, and equally I know I tend to do cam events and stuff more than I do things with non-cam friends.
Meeting up sounds cool though as does a manchester trip, lots of folk up there I do need to see outside of cam and I've been crap about hmm
shit late for work

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

I have this hope (which might be insane) that without Cam stuff I can set some weekends aside to do things like visit headinclouds in Edinburgh, or puddingcat and vulgarcriminal and ginger_jamie et al in Manchester.

I may even descend upon you in Cambridge at some point.

Good luck with work and the like. I'm sitting around being annoyed with myself for not sleeping properly. It turns out that leaving the Cam is a lot like breaking up with a boyfriend in so many ways. I'm sleeping badly, periodically get stressed and wonder if I'm making the right decision, get bouts of anger, and then remind myself that it is the right choice and I'll feel better once it's all over.

I wonder if making a smalllarge voodoo doll in a badly fitting corset with a cheap ankh attached to the front and stabbing pins in it would work well. That method has been used with some success with a couple of exes (not Jason, I hasten to add) before. :p

[twicedead.livejournal.com]

Let me make this short and clear:

I am sorry to see you go but I am not losing touch with you.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

I'm kinda hoping that. I'm not intending to lose touch with anyone I actually like. *nods firmly*

[twicedead.livejournal.com]

And as a result of you quitting, I look forward to bringing a lawsuit against White Wolf for their wrongful advertising of the Women of the Camarilla Calendar.

[lanfykins.livejournal.com]

Oh good.

I'm hoping that with the new chronicle I can free up a few weekends or something...

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Huzzah. And on that note - do Blithe Spirit by Noel Coward or the Reduced Shakespeare Company appeal to you at all?

[castorlion.livejournal.com]

Pssssssssst! Monday!

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Is that a hint, Matt?

[ginger-jamie.livejournal.com]

*round of applause*

That, my dear, is _the_ best farewell to the Cam I've ever seen. Personally, I spat my dummy in a somewhat epic fashion. Yours looks much more like a well-thought out reaction. I wish I'd done the same. :-)

Yeah, you'll miss some people and occasionally you'll pine for it (I did). I'm not going to sit and say you did the right thing because there's no _one_ right course of action, it's a different situation for everybody but your letter above sums up _exactly_ how I felt when I exited-stage-left myself. Suffice to say, leaving the Cam was right for me, though I do still miss some of the people.

So get your ass up here soon and bring Monsieur Poppenbeck and Matt with you. *grin*

J

[castorlion.livejournal.com]

Actually, it's the day I suggested to Ginnie yesterday. Cos I'm free, y'see..

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

*grins*

I've got an alternative farewell to the Cam written up and hidden under private which involves much use of toys as projectile weaponry. Some day it may be unveiled.

And yes - we are planning a visit. I think the plan may involve something like a Friday night in Stoke and then a Saturday in Manchester. Hopefully a weekend over the next month, if any are good for you.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Although damnably it does appear that the RSC has now closed.

I reckon we should still do something on Monday. What is there to do on a Monday night in London which is fun and doesn't involve too much food and drink! I don't think I can cope with much more eating. I may explode.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

well said chick

:(

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you broke up with the Cam. That sucks. I completely understand your reasons though and have considered ending the relationship myself. I mean, there are only so many times you can here Cam's stories without wondering if we'll eventually get new stories? It's like Cam has just been sitting around on his ass, drinking a little too much.

Anyhow, do you have my number?

Re: :(

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Yeah...and when did he last do something new? It's always 'hey...remember that time back in '98'. Just too much.

And yes. I do have your number. And I need to visit soon.

welcome back to the human race again!!

[dunsirn.livejournal.com]

well, it only took about 3 years but i'm glad you've seen sense.

might i suggest historical reenactment as an alternative? same scope for campness, outrageous costuming and over-the-top method acting with the added benefit of being not-quite-so-weird and having a wider audience of an *appreciative* public. oh, and the opportunity for work as an extra on film and tv costume dramas without having to join an agency!

not quite so many goths though, i've noticed...

[ginger-jamie.livejournal.com]

Heh. I'd _love_ to read that. I'm a good shot with an orally-projected dummy, these days...

Any weekend is good for me. Just drop me a mail and I'll make time for you folks. :-)

J

[flamma-lupus.livejournal.com]

It's sad to see you go hon, but only because I have good memories of the things you, me, and your ex did together. Now you're free of him maybe we won't get as many opportunities to see each other, but I'm sure between us we can manage to arrange drinkies or something.
Would hate to lose contact.

Re: welcome back to the human race again!!

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

You never know...I should have more free time soon...

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

You won't. To be honest I've been ready to move on for a while. I've not been making games. I've not been on irc. It isn't where I want to be.

The entire vileness of the Garou ending stuff wasn't my sole reason for leaving. It was more a prod off a diving board I'd been standing at for a while.

Passion Play

[catulle.livejournal.com]

In all seriousness, can you feed me in on anything Passion-Play-y you're getting? As you may be aware, I'm mad keen to get that game living and breathing in some fashion up here, too. Dan may be worth investigating, too - it's been years, but used to be a cool game.

Regards,

Barry

Who loves the Fading Suns :)

Re: Passion Play

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Dan and myself were talking about Passion Play this morning actually. I'm seriously pondering trying to get something up and running in London, and possibly looking to get something linked in elsewhere. Just a possibility atm, but I'd love to chat.

You got an e mail addy?

Re: welcome back to the human race again!!

[dunsirn.livejournal.com]

yay! join the sealed knot!! or something else!! run around waving a sword cackling like a pirate!!

(out of interest, would you describe yourself as roundhead or cavalier...?)

Re: welcome back to the human race again!!

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...I don't know. I think I've always vaguely tended towards viewing them in '1066 and all that' terms - the roundheads were right, but repulsive. The cavaliers were wrong, but romantic.

It depends on my mood. Oh - have you seen 'To Kill A King'? It's a stunning stunning and wonderous film set in the English Civil War.

[skinny-cartman.livejournal.com]

pity I was at work by the time this was posted :-) and that my net has been screwed all evening. I get off work at 4.30 tomorrow feel free to call and stuff will ring back if needed.

Re: welcome back to the human race again!!

[dunsirn.livejournal.com]

yup, i've seen it - although trying to see mr. orange as oliver cromwell made my head hurt!! the costumes were gorgeous...

just think sally - costuuuuuuumes...! costumes and swordfights!! travel britain and europe, meeting people who like costuuuuuuuuumes and history and swordfights!!! members of the public lining up to speak to you and take a photo of you in your lovely, lovely costuuuuuuuuummme!!!

oxford was a major royalist stronghold, charles held his court there after his flight from london. i can see you as a royalist, actually...! (you can ride, can't you? costumes and horses!!!)

ok, ok - the hard sell *is* off-putting, but you should check it out anyway at www.sealedknot.org

Re: welcome back to the human race again!!

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

If they let me ride then I'll do anything. Anything at all.

And yes...I can ride. I kept horses from when I was 5 until I was about 18. Can't do very good side saddle tho.

Re: welcome back to the human race again!!

[dunsirn.livejournal.com]

side saddle??

i'm afraid it's full-tilt running down peasants with basket hilt broadsword and wheellock pistol as either one of cromwells ironsides or prince ruperts lifeguard!

i understand there's a safety test and such (keeping control of a horse in the middle of a battle, basically, as well as being able to swing a sword around without cutting your own head off), but most of the horses are actually professionally "battle-trained" and hired by the sealed knot specifically for the events.

to be honest, i'm not an expert on the equestrian side of it, *but* if you seriously wanted to know, i can put you in touch with people that are!

Re: Passion Play

[catulle.livejournal.com]

Cool - catulle@hotmail.com (or barry.mcivor@nch.org.uk, though I won't be chatting on that one, I can digest lengthir stuff over the day).

Regards,

Barry