Bah & humbug
Jun. 3rd, 2007 09:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annwfynI think my brain is dribbling out of my ears.
Its been a manic weekend.
My cousin's wedding was, I think, lovely for her, and rather high stress for me. It began with me getting hideously lost en route (and I did locate Eynsham Hall and print out directions before I left. I'm just very bad at navigating while driving), and winding up missing the wedding ceremony, and only making it for the reception.
As some of you know, I have an odd mental twitch about missing/being very late for things. It gets worse with important things, but for various reasons (mostly a couple of people in my past pretty much saying this to me) I am convinced on some level that if I am unreliable, people will hate me, not want to see me, and I have pretty much failed at life.
This meant that by the time I found Eynsham Hall where the wedding was meant to be, I'd already had to pull over to the side of the road because I was in the grip of a panic attack and couldn't breathe once, and was on the verge of tears as I walked in.
Of course, everyone was lovely to me (well, except for the mockery about being a bit crap and getting lost) but I don't think I ever really got over that horrible tight sick feeling in my belly, and dark conviction that I Fail At Life, and so rather struggled through the rest of the day.
Saturday was a little better - there was my Dad's retirement do, which was a very successful surprise, and thencastorlion's birthday, in Hatfield for a little while. I'm now back in London, trying to write up downtimes for the ZG games, and then I still have my final edit and binding of my PGDip Final Report to get done tomorrow.
I feel stretched. I feel as if I've been pulled out over some kind of rack, as thin as I can go, and I feel a little as if I'm fraying at the edges. I've cut out everything that I feel isn't essential. I am only doing those things that I think will count as 'letting people down' if I don't make them, and I'm still somewhat aware that I'm trying to do Too Much.
It'll be such a relief when this is over.
Its been a manic weekend.
My cousin's wedding was, I think, lovely for her, and rather high stress for me. It began with me getting hideously lost en route (and I did locate Eynsham Hall and print out directions before I left. I'm just very bad at navigating while driving), and winding up missing the wedding ceremony, and only making it for the reception.
As some of you know, I have an odd mental twitch about missing/being very late for things. It gets worse with important things, but for various reasons (mostly a couple of people in my past pretty much saying this to me) I am convinced on some level that if I am unreliable, people will hate me, not want to see me, and I have pretty much failed at life.
This meant that by the time I found Eynsham Hall where the wedding was meant to be, I'd already had to pull over to the side of the road because I was in the grip of a panic attack and couldn't breathe once, and was on the verge of tears as I walked in.
Of course, everyone was lovely to me (well, except for the mockery about being a bit crap and getting lost) but I don't think I ever really got over that horrible tight sick feeling in my belly, and dark conviction that I Fail At Life, and so rather struggled through the rest of the day.
Saturday was a little better - there was my Dad's retirement do, which was a very successful surprise, and then
castorlion's birthday, in Hatfield for a little while. I'm now back in London, trying to write up downtimes for the ZG games, and then I still have my final edit and binding of my PGDip Final Report to get done tomorrow.I feel stretched. I feel as if I've been pulled out over some kind of rack, as thin as I can go, and I feel a little as if I'm fraying at the edges. I've cut out everything that I feel isn't essential. I am only doing those things that I think will count as 'letting people down' if I don't make them, and I'm still somewhat aware that I'm trying to do Too Much.
It'll be such a relief when this is over.
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no subject
Date: 2007-06-03 11:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-03 06:13 pm (UTC)I think they are people who love flakey, easily distracted by shiny things Sally.
I'm trying to think of a version of Sally who always dresses prim and proper, has a schedule for every minute of the day (that she sticks to) and keeps an immaculate house. Possessed by Martha Stewart or Hilary Clinton.
I think we'd have to beat that Sally with sticks.
Errr, so I guess the moral is, "Some people love you because you're utter crap." :)
good lord, i hate being lost and late, though.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-03 07:13 pm (UTC)Your players won't penalise you for getting downtimes back 24 hours late, your college may not be so chaitable. Quit procrastinating!
(Says she. On LJ when she's trying to revise. But I'm holding off on answering my players' downtimes til I'm done with the exams mid-week, and our game's on Saturday!)
no subject
Date: 2007-06-04 10:29 am (UTC)Have to agree that driving and navigation can be poo - which is why i like a passenger - but doesn't often happen.
And agree with t'others - concentrate on your edumacation, thats the important one right now!