Bah & humbug

I think my brain is dribbling out of my ears.

Its been a manic weekend.

My cousin's wedding was, I think, lovely for her, and rather high stress for me. It began with me getting hideously lost en route (and I did locate Eynsham Hall and print out directions before I left. I'm just very bad at navigating while driving), and winding up missing the wedding ceremony, and only making it for the reception.

As some of you know, I have an odd mental twitch about missing/being very late for things. It gets worse with important things, but for various reasons (mostly a couple of people in my past pretty much saying this to me) I am convinced on some level that if I am unreliable, people will hate me, not want to see me, and I have pretty much failed at life.

This meant that by the time I found Eynsham Hall where the wedding was meant to be, I'd already had to pull over to the side of the road because I was in the grip of a panic attack and couldn't breathe once, and was on the verge of tears as I walked in.

Of course, everyone was lovely to me (well, except for the mockery about being a bit crap and getting lost) but I don't think I ever really got over that horrible tight sick feeling in my belly, and dark conviction that I Fail At Life, and so rather struggled through the rest of the day.

Saturday was a little better - there was my Dad's retirement do, which was a very successful surprise, and then castorlion's birthday, in Hatfield for a little while. I'm now back in London, trying to write up downtimes for the ZG games, and then I still have my final edit and binding of my PGDip Final Report to get done tomorrow.

I feel stretched. I feel as if I've been pulled out over some kind of rack, as thin as I can go, and I feel a little as if I'm fraying at the edges. I've cut out everything that I feel isn't essential. I am only doing those things that I think will count as 'letting people down' if I don't make them, and I'm still somewhat aware that I'm trying to do Too Much.

It'll be such a relief when this is over.

Bah & humbug

I think my brain is dribbling out of my ears.

Its been a manic weekend.

My cousin's wedding was, I think, lovely for her, and rather high stress for me. It began with me getting hideously lost en route (and I did locate Eynsham Hall and print out directions before I left. I'm just very bad at navigating while driving), and winding up missing the wedding ceremony, and only making it for the reception.

As some of you know, I have an odd mental twitch about missing/being very late for things. It gets worse with important things, but for various reasons (mostly a couple of people in my past pretty much saying this to me) I am convinced on some level that if I am unreliable, people will hate me, not want to see me, and I have pretty much failed at life.

This meant that by the time I found Eynsham Hall where the wedding was meant to be, I'd already had to pull over to the side of the road because I was in the grip of a panic attack and couldn't breathe once, and was on the verge of tears as I walked in.

Of course, everyone was lovely to me (well, except for the mockery about being a bit crap and getting lost) but I don't think I ever really got over that horrible tight sick feeling in my belly, and dark conviction that I Fail At Life, and so rather struggled through the rest of the day.

Saturday was a little better - there was my Dad's retirement do, which was a very successful surprise, and then castorlion's birthday, in Hatfield for a little while. I'm now back in London, trying to write up downtimes for the ZG games, and then I still have my final edit and binding of my PGDip Final Report to get done tomorrow.

I feel stretched. I feel as if I've been pulled out over some kind of rack, as thin as I can go, and I feel a little as if I'm fraying at the edges. I've cut out everything that I feel isn't essential. I am only doing those things that I think will count as 'letting people down' if I don't make them, and I'm still somewhat aware that I'm trying to do Too Much.

It'll be such a relief when this is over.