A review of the year
Dec. 22nd, 2017 10:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annwfynSo, the longest night has passed. From now on in, the days will get longer and the light is coming back. Which means that it felt like a good time to write a retrospective of 2017.
It’s been a…challenging year. An eventful year. Not all good. Not all bad. Best of times. Worst of times. And I don’t know where to begin. Let me break it down into six different areas.
Family
Relationships
Money
Career
Health
Hobbies
I know it’s meant to be five, but I feel the need to add in a summary of my year in hobby, because I’m that sort of person.
First, family:
This was probably the toughest part of 2017. The year started with my father-in-law desperately poorly and undergoing chemo. There didn’t seem to be much hope, but miraculously, he seemed to rally. Then, horribly, tragically, my mother-in-law got sick too.
By the autumn she was desperately ill. J and I travelled down to Wales to see her, expecting to be there for her final hours, maybe. It turned into a week, then we came back, then went back again to Wales. Every time we went down, we were told the end was there. In the end, it was nearly a month of waiting, of my poor poor mother-in-law being desperately ill – more poorly than I’ve ever anyone be. It was a difficult passing, and while her family were amazing and she was able to spend her last weeks with her husband and children, it was terrible to watch.
Since then, J has continued to worry about his father.
In my own personal news, my uncle has been unwell, and I got a phone call yesterday saying that he’d been rushed into hospital with an aneurism. As he’s elderly and frail, this is also desperately worrying, and I find myself going into the new year as I started; with a terrible sense of the fragility of life.
Next, Relationships:
This, at least, has been positive. I got married this year. Yup, I have spent over a decade with Jez (with a break in the middle, I acknowledge) and we probably should have either broken up or got married before. But we didn’t, and instead we got married (sort of twice, actually) in July.
I know the cool thing to say is that it hasn’t affected our relationship at all, and marriage is just a piece of paper, but actually, for me, it sort of has. There was something very meaningful about making a statement that we were in it for the long haul, and sealing it with ritual and celebration. Since then, I think we’ve both relaxed in some odd subtle way, and it’s really made a difference. Our relationship is better than it’s ever been, and I love that man more every single day. He’s a wonderful human being and I’m so lucky to have him.
I also feel like I’ve been really lucky with my friendships this year. I’ve kept some wonderful friends, I’ve gotten to know others better. God knows why any of these people put up with me, but they do, and I’m deeply grateful to you all. You’ve been the brightest part of a rough year.
Thirdly, money:
Financially, I seem to have somehow finished 2017 in a better state than I started it in. I’ve no idea how, considering the fact that I have got married, had my boiler pretty much shut down twice and spent nearly £3k bouncing back and forth between Scotland and Wales in the last month but this has happened. I guess that counts as a win.
2017 began on a high financial note, with my finally paying off the hideous debts incurred by the Great Life Cataclysm of 2012.* The whole exciting incident of losing house, job, and relationship in a single spectacular month left me with a £5000 hole and a bunch of bad credit marks which finally got paid off and expunged totally in Feb 2017. For some reason, that was hugely psychologically cathartic as well – for the first time in five years, I didn’t feel as if that time was an open wound. I felt like I was letting the past go.
Since then, I’ve also paid off my two old credit cards, and consolidated the rest onto 0%, with a savings and repayment plan that should see me entirely debt and mortgage free within 3 years. I’ve managed to build up savings (for a while. Then they all got spent on travel and emergencies. But I didn’t have to use the credit card!) and I’ve maintained sensible financial tracking spreadsheets for longer than I’ve ever done before.
I’m probably still spending too much money. For chrissakes, I have a £2000 LRP budget! I spend £500 per year on poncy gym membership! But I’ve managed to also stick to my ‘no debt for non-essentials’ rule this year as well – if LRP would require the use of a credit card, it doesn’t happen. Well, OK, I almost stuck to that rule. I put the 7th Sea kickstarter on a credit card to pay off over 3 months, but that’s different. I’m sure. Somehow. Either way, I’m making progress.
Fourthly, career:
This has been a bit of a challenging year job wise. As I’m sure long time readers of my social media will know, this is currently a rough year in the world of charity. I won’t go into the details, but basically, work has been a bit harder than usual and I’ve been moderately stressed at times.
I still love my job – I love working in the third sector, I love medical charities as an area of specialisation, I love being a fundraising, development and comms person, I love my office, I love my workmates. SHA feels like a family, in a way that no workplace has done previously. I really like being a part of it.
Having said that, I am beginning to vaguely ponder my next step. I’ve been here for approaching three years now, and I’m considering if I want a bit of career progression. I’m not sure. I won’t jump for anything that isn’t really good – I am generally very happy – but I like the idea of doing something more. Maybe next year. Maybe not.
For now, at least I’m solid and stable.
Fifth, health:
This was another…exciting year. Mostly memorable for my having been off work sick with crazy for the first time in years. I had a bit of a depressive episode in February/March/April time which had me signed off work for a while after a particularly inept suicide walk-by (too weak to be called an attempt). I spent some time feeling incredibly overwhelmed. The world was somewhere above me, and I was drowning in a well beneath it. Everything felt dark and as if I couldn’t see the sky. I wasn’t sad. Just exhausted. Completely exhausted.
I clawed my way through that, got married, and everything was lovely. Well, until a proper full blown mixed episode hit. It was…weird. Is anyone interested in how my mind works? Probably not, but I’m sharing anyway!
I spent a couple of weeks in a state of sick terror because I had a weird realisation. I knew – I didn’t think, I knew – that I wasn’t real. I had never been real. I was the flesh mask that an evil spirit – Rumplestiltskin (apparently my crazy isn’t super original) – had taken on to interact with the world. But he was bored of this, and wanted to get loose. So he was going to cut himself free. By which I meant, he’d use my hands to cut open my chest so he could get out.
This was…uncomfortable. I am not sure I would recommend this particular flavour of insanity. 2/10. Would not try again.
Meds were up’d, I was given a lot of sleeping pills and then sort of ignored. MH services have seemed more and more rushed over the last few years. That’s another mild worry. They said they were pretty sure I was having a manic episode. But mostly left me to get on with it. J was meant to take me to A&E if I tried to cut open my chest.
Then I had a shitty depressive episode following on from that, which included the annoying symptom of ‘can’t taste anything properly’ so food was crap for a while, and I lost the ability to sleep without pills. This sounds crap, doesn’t it? It wasn’t great. I’m doing OK now, but I’ve not had a year this bad in a while. Let’s hope 2018 is an improvement.
In terms of physical health, I’ve been trying to regularly make the gym, swim and eat more healthily. I joined the Western Baths and have actually now made it for 7 months, swimming 2-3 times per week, and I’ve managed to drop a dress size, so normal shops now cater to me again. So that’s good. I also got a hideous stomach bug, spent a week shitting blood, and had to be tested for bowel cancer which was less good. But I didn’t have cancer. So that’s OK too.
Finally, hobbies:
And I don’t just mean LRP! Well, I do a bit. But I’m adding in some other stuff too under this umbrella.
2017 started badly for me. I genuinely was beginning to wonder if I was done with LRP (I found old posts from 12 months ago which was me deciding to take a break from Stargate, I was struggling with Empire, I didn’t know what else to play), and I wasn’t sure what other hobbies I had. I was starting to try to learn to cook and liked Instagram, but that was it. Maybe holidays would be my hobby?
And instead…I think there’s been progress.
Empire clicked for me, at last. I had some actual RP with people. I got a job. I found the corner of the game I enjoyed. I began to feel like momentum was building up. I got a cardinal in my assembly who didn’t start every assembly meeting by staring blankly at me and asking “who are you again?”**
Stargate was more of a rollercoaster. I had a good (if brief) Christmas social and then a totally amazing game in the spring which left me super keen. Then, due to venue issues, we had to cancel our summer game, and the replacement we couldn’t make due to honeymoon, and my keen began to flag again. But we ran a decent game in the autumn, and I have booked to play Christmas and I’m beginning to get a surge of hope again. I have had some very encouraging conversations with people about the game and I’m reminding myself that ultimately, it’s a game I love, with people I like, and I think it’ll get better in 2018.
Tabletop has been fabulous – Jez’s Cubs Garou game has been legendary – and I’m starting up a 7th Sea game that I’m really excited about.
In other news, I have done a photography course, taken loads more pics, and have also improved in cooking with leaps and bounds. Oh, and I paint jewellery boxes too as a silly crafty hobby. I feel more constructive, in general, than I have done in a long time. I think this year has been hard, but an uphill trajectory overall.
So what do I think of 2017 overall?
I think if I were to give this year a tarot card, as is my wont, I would say it was Death.
It’s been a year of endings, a year of beginnings, a year of transformation. It’s been hard. It’s been good. But I’ve made it. I’ve made it and I won’t regret a thing.
What about 2018?
I don’t know. I find it hard to play too much for the future right now. So I’ll just make my card for 2018, the Fool. I’m on a journey. Let’s see where it goes!
*I’m sure you all have heard that tragic tale and feel no need to hear it again.
** This is very discouraging when it happens three times in a single event.
It’s been a…challenging year. An eventful year. Not all good. Not all bad. Best of times. Worst of times. And I don’t know where to begin. Let me break it down into six different areas.
Family
Relationships
Money
Career
Health
Hobbies
I know it’s meant to be five, but I feel the need to add in a summary of my year in hobby, because I’m that sort of person.
First, family:
This was probably the toughest part of 2017. The year started with my father-in-law desperately poorly and undergoing chemo. There didn’t seem to be much hope, but miraculously, he seemed to rally. Then, horribly, tragically, my mother-in-law got sick too.
By the autumn she was desperately ill. J and I travelled down to Wales to see her, expecting to be there for her final hours, maybe. It turned into a week, then we came back, then went back again to Wales. Every time we went down, we were told the end was there. In the end, it was nearly a month of waiting, of my poor poor mother-in-law being desperately ill – more poorly than I’ve ever anyone be. It was a difficult passing, and while her family were amazing and she was able to spend her last weeks with her husband and children, it was terrible to watch.
Since then, J has continued to worry about his father.
In my own personal news, my uncle has been unwell, and I got a phone call yesterday saying that he’d been rushed into hospital with an aneurism. As he’s elderly and frail, this is also desperately worrying, and I find myself going into the new year as I started; with a terrible sense of the fragility of life.
Next, Relationships:
This, at least, has been positive. I got married this year. Yup, I have spent over a decade with Jez (with a break in the middle, I acknowledge) and we probably should have either broken up or got married before. But we didn’t, and instead we got married (sort of twice, actually) in July.
I know the cool thing to say is that it hasn’t affected our relationship at all, and marriage is just a piece of paper, but actually, for me, it sort of has. There was something very meaningful about making a statement that we were in it for the long haul, and sealing it with ritual and celebration. Since then, I think we’ve both relaxed in some odd subtle way, and it’s really made a difference. Our relationship is better than it’s ever been, and I love that man more every single day. He’s a wonderful human being and I’m so lucky to have him.
I also feel like I’ve been really lucky with my friendships this year. I’ve kept some wonderful friends, I’ve gotten to know others better. God knows why any of these people put up with me, but they do, and I’m deeply grateful to you all. You’ve been the brightest part of a rough year.
Thirdly, money:
Financially, I seem to have somehow finished 2017 in a better state than I started it in. I’ve no idea how, considering the fact that I have got married, had my boiler pretty much shut down twice and spent nearly £3k bouncing back and forth between Scotland and Wales in the last month but this has happened. I guess that counts as a win.
2017 began on a high financial note, with my finally paying off the hideous debts incurred by the Great Life Cataclysm of 2012.* The whole exciting incident of losing house, job, and relationship in a single spectacular month left me with a £5000 hole and a bunch of bad credit marks which finally got paid off and expunged totally in Feb 2017. For some reason, that was hugely psychologically cathartic as well – for the first time in five years, I didn’t feel as if that time was an open wound. I felt like I was letting the past go.
Since then, I’ve also paid off my two old credit cards, and consolidated the rest onto 0%, with a savings and repayment plan that should see me entirely debt and mortgage free within 3 years. I’ve managed to build up savings (for a while. Then they all got spent on travel and emergencies. But I didn’t have to use the credit card!) and I’ve maintained sensible financial tracking spreadsheets for longer than I’ve ever done before.
I’m probably still spending too much money. For chrissakes, I have a £2000 LRP budget! I spend £500 per year on poncy gym membership! But I’ve managed to also stick to my ‘no debt for non-essentials’ rule this year as well – if LRP would require the use of a credit card, it doesn’t happen. Well, OK, I almost stuck to that rule. I put the 7th Sea kickstarter on a credit card to pay off over 3 months, but that’s different. I’m sure. Somehow. Either way, I’m making progress.
Fourthly, career:
This has been a bit of a challenging year job wise. As I’m sure long time readers of my social media will know, this is currently a rough year in the world of charity. I won’t go into the details, but basically, work has been a bit harder than usual and I’ve been moderately stressed at times.
I still love my job – I love working in the third sector, I love medical charities as an area of specialisation, I love being a fundraising, development and comms person, I love my office, I love my workmates. SHA feels like a family, in a way that no workplace has done previously. I really like being a part of it.
Having said that, I am beginning to vaguely ponder my next step. I’ve been here for approaching three years now, and I’m considering if I want a bit of career progression. I’m not sure. I won’t jump for anything that isn’t really good – I am generally very happy – but I like the idea of doing something more. Maybe next year. Maybe not.
For now, at least I’m solid and stable.
Fifth, health:
This was another…exciting year. Mostly memorable for my having been off work sick with crazy for the first time in years. I had a bit of a depressive episode in February/March/April time which had me signed off work for a while after a particularly inept suicide walk-by (too weak to be called an attempt). I spent some time feeling incredibly overwhelmed. The world was somewhere above me, and I was drowning in a well beneath it. Everything felt dark and as if I couldn’t see the sky. I wasn’t sad. Just exhausted. Completely exhausted.
I clawed my way through that, got married, and everything was lovely. Well, until a proper full blown mixed episode hit. It was…weird. Is anyone interested in how my mind works? Probably not, but I’m sharing anyway!
I spent a couple of weeks in a state of sick terror because I had a weird realisation. I knew – I didn’t think, I knew – that I wasn’t real. I had never been real. I was the flesh mask that an evil spirit – Rumplestiltskin (apparently my crazy isn’t super original) – had taken on to interact with the world. But he was bored of this, and wanted to get loose. So he was going to cut himself free. By which I meant, he’d use my hands to cut open my chest so he could get out.
This was…uncomfortable. I am not sure I would recommend this particular flavour of insanity. 2/10. Would not try again.
Meds were up’d, I was given a lot of sleeping pills and then sort of ignored. MH services have seemed more and more rushed over the last few years. That’s another mild worry. They said they were pretty sure I was having a manic episode. But mostly left me to get on with it. J was meant to take me to A&E if I tried to cut open my chest.
Then I had a shitty depressive episode following on from that, which included the annoying symptom of ‘can’t taste anything properly’ so food was crap for a while, and I lost the ability to sleep without pills. This sounds crap, doesn’t it? It wasn’t great. I’m doing OK now, but I’ve not had a year this bad in a while. Let’s hope 2018 is an improvement.
In terms of physical health, I’ve been trying to regularly make the gym, swim and eat more healthily. I joined the Western Baths and have actually now made it for 7 months, swimming 2-3 times per week, and I’ve managed to drop a dress size, so normal shops now cater to me again. So that’s good. I also got a hideous stomach bug, spent a week shitting blood, and had to be tested for bowel cancer which was less good. But I didn’t have cancer. So that’s OK too.
Finally, hobbies:
And I don’t just mean LRP! Well, I do a bit. But I’m adding in some other stuff too under this umbrella.
2017 started badly for me. I genuinely was beginning to wonder if I was done with LRP (I found old posts from 12 months ago which was me deciding to take a break from Stargate, I was struggling with Empire, I didn’t know what else to play), and I wasn’t sure what other hobbies I had. I was starting to try to learn to cook and liked Instagram, but that was it. Maybe holidays would be my hobby?
And instead…I think there’s been progress.
Empire clicked for me, at last. I had some actual RP with people. I got a job. I found the corner of the game I enjoyed. I began to feel like momentum was building up. I got a cardinal in my assembly who didn’t start every assembly meeting by staring blankly at me and asking “who are you again?”**
Stargate was more of a rollercoaster. I had a good (if brief) Christmas social and then a totally amazing game in the spring which left me super keen. Then, due to venue issues, we had to cancel our summer game, and the replacement we couldn’t make due to honeymoon, and my keen began to flag again. But we ran a decent game in the autumn, and I have booked to play Christmas and I’m beginning to get a surge of hope again. I have had some very encouraging conversations with people about the game and I’m reminding myself that ultimately, it’s a game I love, with people I like, and I think it’ll get better in 2018.
Tabletop has been fabulous – Jez’s Cubs Garou game has been legendary – and I’m starting up a 7th Sea game that I’m really excited about.
In other news, I have done a photography course, taken loads more pics, and have also improved in cooking with leaps and bounds. Oh, and I paint jewellery boxes too as a silly crafty hobby. I feel more constructive, in general, than I have done in a long time. I think this year has been hard, but an uphill trajectory overall.
So what do I think of 2017 overall?
I think if I were to give this year a tarot card, as is my wont, I would say it was Death.
It’s been a year of endings, a year of beginnings, a year of transformation. It’s been hard. It’s been good. But I’ve made it. I’ve made it and I won’t regret a thing.
What about 2018?
I don’t know. I find it hard to play too much for the future right now. So I’ll just make my card for 2018, the Fool. I’m on a journey. Let’s see where it goes!
*I’m sure you all have heard that tragic tale and feel no need to hear it again.
** This is very discouraging when it happens three times in a single event.
