All alone...
Mar. 22nd, 2005 09:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annwfynSo, I'm on my own for the first time since I left hospital. pierot is back at work, and I'm pottering around the house. I may or may not have a twicedead coming to visit. I may or may not have a wildrogue coming to visit. I'm not sure. This isn't a bad thing. In a lot of ways it's quite nice having a bit of space now I'm feeling a bit better to let my thoughts settle.
I've now got through one of the big things which has been worrying me for a while. I've had the operation. I'm alive. I'm here. I've got a new body. I've got one more term left of my masters, and then that is done, which I think at the end of the day I'm actually mostly glad about. I've enjoyed studying again, but I'm mostly coming to the conclusion that I might want to leave the phd idea alone. I don't know if I really have the drive...probably the obssession...to give over my life to early Anglo-Saxon England. I don't know if my brain is sharp enough, or focussed enough, and I know I miss the financial freedom of having a job.
Once I would have called that giving up on my dreams. Right now I'm thinking that getting a job may well free me up to chase after a lot more of them. House, travel...those are dreams as well. I think I want those now. I think I want them more than I realised.
The travel dream is strong with me at the moment. It's been a year and four months since I came back from South America. My feet are beginning to itch again. I'm starting to feel mildly claustrophobic. I think I want to know that soon I can be somewhere else.
It's odd. I know that in a lot of ways I'm not the most serious of travellers. I go away, and I like knowing that there are internet cafes to keep in touch with. I will spend lots of money on phone calls home, and I don't like being away for more than a couple of months, unless I'm going to really settle and make a life somewhere else. I'm not a dedicated back packer. I'm not convinced I ever will be.
On the other hand, I really need occasional breaks. I really need to get away from day to day routines, or enclosed social situations. I know that I do let things build up in my head - worries, and anxieties, and grudges and emotional aches - and I know that putting some geographical distance is one of the few things which I have found gives me the space to clear out all the irrelevent crap, all the nonsense which builds up when it doesn't need to mean anything. Geographical distance gives me a sense of perspective which I know I sometimes lose when I'm up close and personal with a situation.
That and I really do like seeing new and shiney things.
That's why I have this really major need to try and spend at least a week or so out of the country. Right now I'm scrabbling around for somewhere new to go. I also may be travelling withpierot which would be a first for me. I've never been travelling with a boyfriend before. He's been talking about going to Australia to see friends and family out there for ages, so we could aim to head out there at some point in the late summer/early autumn. I'd be able to work through the summer to get some cash set aside for something like that as well, so it wouldn't just be blowing inheritance fund.
I'm looking at www.cheapflights.co.uk. I could go for £500 return to Melbourne. And my god, it's so tempting...
pierot is back at work, and I'm pottering around the house. I may or may not have a twicedead coming to visit. I may or may not have a wildrogue coming to visit. I'm not sure. This isn't a bad thing. In a lot of ways it's quite nice having a bit of space now I'm feeling a bit better to let my thoughts settle.I've now got through one of the big things which has been worrying me for a while. I've had the operation. I'm alive. I'm here. I've got a new body. I've got one more term left of my masters, and then that is done, which I think at the end of the day I'm actually mostly glad about. I've enjoyed studying again, but I'm mostly coming to the conclusion that I might want to leave the phd idea alone. I don't know if I really have the drive...probably the obssession...to give over my life to early Anglo-Saxon England. I don't know if my brain is sharp enough, or focussed enough, and I know I miss the financial freedom of having a job.
Once I would have called that giving up on my dreams. Right now I'm thinking that getting a job may well free me up to chase after a lot more of them. House, travel...those are dreams as well. I think I want those now. I think I want them more than I realised.
The travel dream is strong with me at the moment. It's been a year and four months since I came back from South America. My feet are beginning to itch again. I'm starting to feel mildly claustrophobic. I think I want to know that soon I can be somewhere else.
It's odd. I know that in a lot of ways I'm not the most serious of travellers. I go away, and I like knowing that there are internet cafes to keep in touch with. I will spend lots of money on phone calls home, and I don't like being away for more than a couple of months, unless I'm going to really settle and make a life somewhere else. I'm not a dedicated back packer. I'm not convinced I ever will be.
On the other hand, I really need occasional breaks. I really need to get away from day to day routines, or enclosed social situations. I know that I do let things build up in my head - worries, and anxieties, and grudges and emotional aches - and I know that putting some geographical distance is one of the few things which I have found gives me the space to clear out all the irrelevent crap, all the nonsense which builds up when it doesn't need to mean anything. Geographical distance gives me a sense of perspective which I know I sometimes lose when I'm up close and personal with a situation.
That and I really do like seeing new and shiney things.
That's why I have this really major need to try and spend at least a week or so out of the country. Right now I'm scrabbling around for somewhere new to go. I also may be travelling with
pierot which would be a first for me. I've never been travelling with a boyfriend before. He's been talking about going to Australia to see friends and family out there for ages, so we could aim to head out there at some point in the late summer/early autumn. I'd be able to work through the summer to get some cash set aside for something like that as well, so it wouldn't just be blowing inheritance fund. I'm looking at www.cheapflights.co.uk. I could go for £500 return to Melbourne. And my god, it's so tempting...