annwfyn: (Mood - why does nothing turn out like it)
[personal profile] annwfyn
I've been in a very bleak place for the last couple of weeks. [profile] pierot has been quite worried about me - I've not been able to sleep, I swing between comfort eating and comfort starving, and I tend to just shatter like broken glass over anything going wrong.

Over the last few days it's been getting better. I had a LONG chat with Jeremiah on Tuesday, cried my eyes out, and got a decent night's sleep for the first time in ages. I suspect that the insomnia was probably causing most of the bad brain chemistry. I also suspect that the insomnia has been caused by lots of little low level stresses and panics, that just won't go away.

Life just feels like hard work right now.

The big things seem stable - I've got a course I love, I may have a job lined up at the end of it, I've got a very charming boyfriend with a smile that can light up a stadium - but on a day to day level everything feels very wobbly.

I've got a course I love, but it's supervised by people I can't get hold of, and I feel like there's no structure or support to it. I was told on Wednesday that my Reflective Professional Development Journal was very good. It's the first piece of feedback I've had since I started at the beginning of September. I don't know what my deadlines are, and they keep changing anyway. I've missed three weeks worth of chemistry lectures - they were cancelled because the lecturer was too busy to attend them and were meant to be rescheduled. They haven't been. That makes me anxious.

I might have a job, but I am very uncertain about this. The Fan Museum has given me nothing in writing yet, so I'm left hanging, unsure whether I should be applying for jobs in case this doesn't come through, or not. I also don't know how much money they are actually offering me. I've asked, and got replies, but it's all coming through in this very complicated format - part research grant, part salary - and I really don't understand how much cash I'll have to take home at the end of the month. I don't think I will understand until I can see some figures in front of me.

And money in general is leaving me feeling slightly 'blerugh' almost constantly. I've been completely flat broke this month. I've been living off Jeremiah and Virginia, which I hate. I totally, completely absolutely hate it. It makes me feel like a child, like I don't quite belong in this household of grown ups. I hate having to ask for money in order to eat. I hate it when every time any of my friends comes up with a Fun Social Plan I know that I'm costing Jeremiah twice as much as anyone else would pay because there is no way I can cover myself. I hate it.

I got a letter from my credit card company today. I'm £3 over my limit. Not sure how. I think it was because I spent some money, and then didn't get my sums right regarding how much the interest payment would be. That'll be a £12 bank charge, and a note on my credit rating, which won't be very helpful in August when the fixed rate mortgage expires. I have this horrible feeling that come August Jeremiah and I might not be able to get another mortgage - not while he's in a new job, and I'm doing god knows what. So that'll be us stuck with the Abbey standard variable rate, which will leave us £200 a month worse off.

I am meant to have some money coming in at some point - an inheritance from my grandfather. It may appear at the end of March, or maybe some time in April. I don't know. It is, however, about the only thing that is keeping me sane about money right now. I keep repeating to myself, like a mantra, 'it's only transient'. I won't end up on the streets. I won't lose my home. It'll be OK. I will be able to eat. It's a bit of a thin comfort right now, with March looking as if it will be as bad as February for money stuff, but it is keeping me sane.

I don't know why I'm writing this out. I suppose because I feel better if it is down on paper, and is something I can pin down and deal with, instead of just feeling it swirling around in my brain.

I will be OK. I know I will. I just need to keep sleeping, keep eating, and go for long walks every once in a while. I can do this. I know I can.

The trick is to keep breathing.
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