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On grief

Feb. 20th, 2011 10:38 am
annwfyn: (love - woman in white)
Today, I found this piece in the Guardian:







    Maggie died on 8 July, 1995. "I remember running away from the hospital," Lily says. "I couldn't believe birds were still singing, the world turning. I remember watching, in disbelief, as someone crossed the road as if nothing had happened." Every morning, she would wake and, for a second, not know her mother had gone – and then the news would hit her again. Even now, she gets upset about it – although she never can predict when she will be ambushed. She would like to be able to ask her mother's advice about the big decisions in her life. She minds that, when she has children herself, they will not have a grandmother. She remembers now how tiring grief was. And, although that has lifted: "I don't think the pain goes away, you just get used to it. There is a hole inside of me but I know it is part of me."




It came from this article on a series of centres for cancer sufferers - 'Maggie's Centres' - the original idea for which came from a woman dying of cancer. The article is mostly very interesting, but that paragraph hit me quite hard. It's almost exactly what I feel but often struggle to articulate.

I do still mourn Mum and in a way I'm glad I do. I once tried to tell someone I was glad they were still missing someone they had lost and I think it came across horrifically badly - like I thought they might forget them otherwise - but what I was trying to say is that that ongoing sense of missing someone is, I think, a part of how much we loved people, a part of keeping them a part of our lives, part of us. And I think that can be a positive thing.

Um. I think that still comes across badly, right? Maybe I'm just trying to justify and give some meaning to the fact that I do still miss Mum and it does still hurt, at odd times, at times when I don't expect it. On my birthday, which was our shared birthday, I burst into tears twice over the fact that she wasn't there, that I was on my own, that my life was changing and every day I seemed to change more and more into someone she wouldn't have known, wouldn't have recognised. That scares me.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this now. Probably nowhere and I ought to wrap up. I just found that paragraph in a newspaper article and it struck home. So I thought I'd share it.

On grief

Feb. 20th, 2011 10:38 am
annwfyn: (love - woman in white)
Today, I found this piece in the Guardian:







    Maggie died on 8 July, 1995. "I remember running away from the hospital," Lily says. "I couldn't believe birds were still singing, the world turning. I remember watching, in disbelief, as someone crossed the road as if nothing had happened." Every morning, she would wake and, for a second, not know her mother had gone – and then the news would hit her again. Even now, she gets upset about it – although she never can predict when she will be ambushed. She would like to be able to ask her mother's advice about the big decisions in her life. She minds that, when she has children herself, they will not have a grandmother. She remembers now how tiring grief was. And, although that has lifted: "I don't think the pain goes away, you just get used to it. There is a hole inside of me but I know it is part of me."




It came from this article on a series of centres for cancer sufferers - 'Maggie's Centres' - the original idea for which came from a woman dying of cancer. The article is mostly very interesting, but that paragraph hit me quite hard. It's almost exactly what I feel but often struggle to articulate.

I do still mourn Mum and in a way I'm glad I do. I once tried to tell someone I was glad they were still missing someone they had lost and I think it came across horrifically badly - like I thought they might forget them otherwise - but what I was trying to say is that that ongoing sense of missing someone is, I think, a part of how much we loved people, a part of keeping them a part of our lives, part of us. And I think that can be a positive thing.

Um. I think that still comes across badly, right? Maybe I'm just trying to justify and give some meaning to the fact that I do still miss Mum and it does still hurt, at odd times, at times when I don't expect it. On my birthday, which was our shared birthday, I burst into tears twice over the fact that she wasn't there, that I was on my own, that my life was changing and every day I seemed to change more and more into someone she wouldn't have known, wouldn't have recognised. That scares me.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this now. Probably nowhere and I ought to wrap up. I just found that paragraph in a newspaper article and it struck home. So I thought I'd share it.
annwfyn: (love - woman in white)
I think I've lost my Christmas stocking.

It's made from green cord, and was sewn by my Mum when I was little.

It used to be kept at my father's house, but last year I kept it after having Christmas at £ QoD. I always knew where it was there, but it seems to have vanished in the move.

I don't think I actually know how to articulate how stupidly upset I am. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm in floods of tears over this. My Christmas stocking. Gone.

I knew I should have been more careful over the move.
annwfyn: (love - woman in white)
I think I've lost my Christmas stocking.

It's made from green cord, and was sewn by my Mum when I was little.

It used to be kept at my father's house, but last year I kept it after having Christmas at £ QoD. I always knew where it was there, but it seems to have vanished in the move.

I don't think I actually know how to articulate how stupidly upset I am. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm in floods of tears over this. My Christmas stocking. Gone.

I knew I should have been more careful over the move.
annwfyn: (love - woman in white)
Today would have been my Mum's birthday. She would have been 58 today.

I miss her so much.

Bah. Not a lot more to say. Today is also my birthday - I was born on Mum's 30th birthday - so it's an odd and mixed day. [profile] pierot is in Portsmouth and will hopefully be back by around 7 pm. I'm on my own in the house, theoretically working on my thesis. I've given myself one birthday treat so far and drove to Greenwich to go to Goddard's Pie Shop, which makes amazing rubarb crumble. I've had my rubarb crumble for breakfast, and now I'm pottering around feeling quite touched and happy at the number of good birthday wishes I've had over livejournal.

I also had e mails from [profile] riksowden, [profile] melsner and [profile] vilenspotens which was deeply sweet.

It's an odd day for me today. Bittersweet memories, odd feelings...I'm restless and awkward in my mind.

I shall try and not brood, but I fear I will be overly thoughtful. If anyone has anything they can think of to distract me, it would be more than welcome...
annwfyn: (love - woman in white)
Today would have been my Mum's birthday. She would have been 58 today.

I miss her so much.

Bah. Not a lot more to say. Today is also my birthday - I was born on Mum's 30th birthday - so it's an odd and mixed day. [profile] pierot is in Portsmouth and will hopefully be back by around 7 pm. I'm on my own in the house, theoretically working on my thesis. I've given myself one birthday treat so far and drove to Greenwich to go to Goddard's Pie Shop, which makes amazing rubarb crumble. I've had my rubarb crumble for breakfast, and now I'm pottering around feeling quite touched and happy at the number of good birthday wishes I've had over livejournal.

I also had e mails from [profile] riksowden, [profile] melsner and [profile] vilenspotens which was deeply sweet.

It's an odd day for me today. Bittersweet memories, odd feelings...I'm restless and awkward in my mind.

I shall try and not brood, but I fear I will be overly thoughtful. If anyone has anything they can think of to distract me, it would be more than welcome...

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