annwfyn: (mood - ordinary princess)
This morning, I was a very sad Sally. I didn’t sleep well last night, and the morning was heavy with mist that made me feel like I was even more disconnected from the world than normal. I could have been anywhere, just me, in my car, driving into endless nothing. This was particularly appropriate considering my dark conviction last night and this morning that in the eyes of many I am best off kept entirely segregated from the rest of humanity entirely, ideally in some kind of small neat box containing radioactive material in order to maintain quantum ambiguity.

Around 9 am I decided that I was not going to spend a day being a pile of misery and woe, however, and decided to remind myself of things that are good, and bright and shiny.

I reminded myself that the clothes I am wearing are fresh washed, and as such have that lovely clean linen scent, which made me feel a bit better. I reminded myself that I cooked food last night, and got the salmon absolutely right, and that I think I will be cooking every night this week, which is fun, and there is a Tesco delivery arriving tomorrow which will help.

And the mist seemed to clear a little bit. No, not just metaphorically! It really did!

Then for some reason I had one of my occasional flashes of memory. I remembered the Temple of Monkeys in Kathmandu. I remember how the sun shone between the trees, and the steps leading up to the temple had this weird dappled light effect. I was wearing my favourite blue and grey shalwar kameez that day. I still have the shawl from it, and feel better whenever I wear it. There were monkeys everywhere, watching us with open curiosity. At the bottom of the hill, women were lining up to make offerings, with red smudges on their foreheads.

I went there, and I saw that. And sitting in my office, I remembered that is something I have, and that I can’t mess that up now. No one can take that away from me. It’s mine and it makes me feel a little bit brighter inside.

And then I looked out at the window and saw that the sun had finally broken through. The mist had faded and instead there were bright blue skies.

It has encouraged my god complex no end, I must say.
annwfyn: (mood - ordinary princess)
This morning, I was a very sad Sally. I didn’t sleep well last night, and the morning was heavy with mist that made me feel like I was even more disconnected from the world than normal. I could have been anywhere, just me, in my car, driving into endless nothing. This was particularly appropriate considering my dark conviction last night and this morning that in the eyes of many I am best off kept entirely segregated from the rest of humanity entirely, ideally in some kind of small neat box containing radioactive material in order to maintain quantum ambiguity.

Around 9 am I decided that I was not going to spend a day being a pile of misery and woe, however, and decided to remind myself of things that are good, and bright and shiny.

I reminded myself that the clothes I am wearing are fresh washed, and as such have that lovely clean linen scent, which made me feel a bit better. I reminded myself that I cooked food last night, and got the salmon absolutely right, and that I think I will be cooking every night this week, which is fun, and there is a Tesco delivery arriving tomorrow which will help.

And the mist seemed to clear a little bit. No, not just metaphorically! It really did!

Then for some reason I had one of my occasional flashes of memory. I remembered the Temple of Monkeys in Kathmandu. I remember how the sun shone between the trees, and the steps leading up to the temple had this weird dappled light effect. I was wearing my favourite blue and grey shalwar kameez that day. I still have the shawl from it, and feel better whenever I wear it. There were monkeys everywhere, watching us with open curiosity. At the bottom of the hill, women were lining up to make offerings, with red smudges on their foreheads.

I went there, and I saw that. And sitting in my office, I remembered that is something I have, and that I can’t mess that up now. No one can take that away from me. It’s mine and it makes me feel a little bit brighter inside.

And then I looked out at the window and saw that the sun had finally broken through. The mist had faded and instead there were bright blue skies.

It has encouraged my god complex no end, I must say.

Bluergh...

Mar. 1st, 2008 10:45 pm
annwfyn: (Mood - fox curled up)
Today has been another not-happy day. I don't think it will be terribly helpful to witter on about my poor and battered brain today, or my even more battered stomach, so instead I shall try and think about something cheerful, and will list five things in my life which I think ought to make me happy.

    1) I get to see [profile] mangochutney04 on Tuesday, and I shall meet baby Charlotte for the first time, which will be very exciting.

    2) I received a lovely package in the post this morning with a little jeweler's hammer and some nice copper wire which will be very useful for college.

    3) I am going skating tomorrow morning, which means I'll be able to practice all the new and shiny stuff I learned at my last lesson.

    4) I am due to receive some inheritance money this month, which means that the financial hell which has plagued me since January is coming to an end, and soon I'll be able to afford to buy a new tube of foundation, which will be fab.

    5) In return for several old bits of costume that don't fit me any more, and a shiny silver wig which looked awful with my colouring, [profile] ksirafai is going to take me shopping soon, and buy me pretty new things. They will not be very expensive things, but they will be nice.


These are all good things.

Of the bad things, I shall remind myself that right now I am not feeling very well, so am overreacting, getting emotional about things which are nothing to do with me, and care too much about the opinion of strangers.

Life will be bright and beautiful.

I know it will get better tomorrow.

Bluergh...

Mar. 1st, 2008 10:45 pm
annwfyn: (Mood - fox curled up)
Today has been another not-happy day. I don't think it will be terribly helpful to witter on about my poor and battered brain today, or my even more battered stomach, so instead I shall try and think about something cheerful, and will list five things in my life which I think ought to make me happy.

    1) I get to see [profile] mangochutney04 on Tuesday, and I shall meet baby Charlotte for the first time, which will be very exciting.

    2) I received a lovely package in the post this morning with a little jeweler's hammer and some nice copper wire which will be very useful for college.

    3) I am going skating tomorrow morning, which means I'll be able to practice all the new and shiny stuff I learned at my last lesson.

    4) I am due to receive some inheritance money this month, which means that the financial hell which has plagued me since January is coming to an end, and soon I'll be able to afford to buy a new tube of foundation, which will be fab.

    5) In return for several old bits of costume that don't fit me any more, and a shiny silver wig which looked awful with my colouring, [profile] ksirafai is going to take me shopping soon, and buy me pretty new things. They will not be very expensive things, but they will be nice.


These are all good things.

Of the bad things, I shall remind myself that right now I am not feeling very well, so am overreacting, getting emotional about things which are nothing to do with me, and care too much about the opinion of strangers.

Life will be bright and beautiful.

I know it will get better tomorrow.
annwfyn: (Mood - why does nothing turn out like it)
I've been in a very bleak place for the last couple of weeks. [profile] pierot has been quite worried about me - I've not been able to sleep, I swing between comfort eating and comfort starving, and I tend to just shatter like broken glass over anything going wrong.

Over the last few days it's been getting better. I had a LONG chat with Jeremiah on Tuesday, cried my eyes out, and got a decent night's sleep for the first time in ages. I suspect that the insomnia was probably causing most of the bad brain chemistry. I also suspect that the insomnia has been caused by lots of little low level stresses and panics, that just won't go away.

Life just feels like hard work right now.

Whinge and moan )

I will be OK. I know I will. I just need to keep sleeping, keep eating, and go for long walks every once in a while. I can do this. I know I can.

The trick is to keep breathing.
annwfyn: (Mood - why does nothing turn out like it)
I've been in a very bleak place for the last couple of weeks. [profile] pierot has been quite worried about me - I've not been able to sleep, I swing between comfort eating and comfort starving, and I tend to just shatter like broken glass over anything going wrong.

Over the last few days it's been getting better. I had a LONG chat with Jeremiah on Tuesday, cried my eyes out, and got a decent night's sleep for the first time in ages. I suspect that the insomnia was probably causing most of the bad brain chemistry. I also suspect that the insomnia has been caused by lots of little low level stresses and panics, that just won't go away.

Life just feels like hard work right now.

Whinge and moan )

I will be OK. I know I will. I just need to keep sleeping, keep eating, and go for long walks every once in a while. I can do this. I know I can.

The trick is to keep breathing.
annwfyn: (Mood - prickly)
I had an odd morning this morning.

It started normally enough. I got up, I missed breakfast, but watched Cold Case, I stumbled out of the house. I started to drive towards college.

About eight minutes into the drive I came around the corner and saw a car stopped in the middle of the road with its hazard lights flashing, and another car pulling up just a little further. I assumed they had had a fender bumper and pulled out to drive around them. That's when I saw the old man lying in the road.

I almost drove on. There were three people standing there already, and I didn't want to rubber neck, but then I thought 'what if no one has a mobile phone' and remembered that I was once a St Johns Ambulance Brigade bod (although I think my training is woefully out of date) and then I think 'there's a man lying in the road', and pulled over. I figured if the people there had it all in hand I could go, but if they did need something...

As I was getting out of my car, the guy who had pulled up just in front of me was walking back to it. He was a young guy in his mid twenties - black, shaved head, quite good looking and with a gold chain around his neck. He was driving a black lexus. I asked "what's happening? Is that guy OK?"

He shrugged and said "yeah...I think someone hit him with a car or something" and then got in his car and drove away. I walked up towards the other two people (and there was a third who had just crossed the road from the industrial estate where he was working) as one of them pulled out their mobile phone to call an ambulance, and the other said "where's that guy going? He's the one who hit this guy! I thought he was going to get his phone."

In the end, me and another guy did our best to check the man who had been hit over. He was an old man, in his sixties. Apparently he'd been cycling back from his sisters, and this black lexus just clipped his bike. He said he had no pain in his neck or head, and could count the number of fingers I was holding up. His vision was clear, so we figured there was no head injury, and began to try and help him from the road where he was lying (with someone else trying to stand between him and any oncoming cars. That was when we realised he'd hurt his leg, and made the most horrible noises whenever it touched the ground. It was bent at a funny angle as well. I don't know if we should have left him, but he was in the road, and there were cars oncoming, so we sort of did a fireman's lift, and carried him to the pavement, where I sat with him until the ambulance got there.

The police arrived shortly after. Pretty much as soon as they found out the guy who had hit this poor old man had driven off they started looking pretty serious. They asked us all a load of questions. None of us had gotten the license plate of the man who had driven away. I still feel bad about that. I just didn't think. At least I got the colour and make of the car. We gave the best description we could, and the police started sending out radio alerts - 'all cars be on the look out for a black lexus, driver is a black male in his mid twenties with a shaved head. Suspected involvement in a hit and run accident'. They asked us all for our details and said they would be in touch.

I headed off to college. I thought I was fine, and then I arrived here and just started shaking. All I could think about was that poor old man, lying crumpled in the street. All I could hear were those awful noises when we tried to move him. He was just an old man. Why on earth would anyone want to just drive off and leave him there? He was still crumpled in the road, not quite conscious, when the guy in the lexus left. He could have been dying, he could have been seriously hurt.

It scared me how little I knew. I remembered what to do in case of head or neck injuries. I remembered all that, but I really didn't know what to do with a hurt leg. I don't know if it's broken or not. The angle it was lying at was a bit funny.

And...

I don't know. I am still feeling a bit funny about it. I really hope that poor old man is OK. And it does upset me a bit, that there are people who will just drive off from a situation like that. At least there were four of us who all stopped, who all did everything we could to help. That, at least, makes me feel a bit better about the world.
annwfyn: (Mood - prickly)
I had an odd morning this morning.

It started normally enough. I got up, I missed breakfast, but watched Cold Case, I stumbled out of the house. I started to drive towards college.

About eight minutes into the drive I came around the corner and saw a car stopped in the middle of the road with its hazard lights flashing, and another car pulling up just a little further. I assumed they had had a fender bumper and pulled out to drive around them. That's when I saw the old man lying in the road.

I almost drove on. There were three people standing there already, and I didn't want to rubber neck, but then I thought 'what if no one has a mobile phone' and remembered that I was once a St Johns Ambulance Brigade bod (although I think my training is woefully out of date) and then I think 'there's a man lying in the road', and pulled over. I figured if the people there had it all in hand I could go, but if they did need something...

As I was getting out of my car, the guy who had pulled up just in front of me was walking back to it. He was a young guy in his mid twenties - black, shaved head, quite good looking and with a gold chain around his neck. He was driving a black lexus. I asked "what's happening? Is that guy OK?"

He shrugged and said "yeah...I think someone hit him with a car or something" and then got in his car and drove away. I walked up towards the other two people (and there was a third who had just crossed the road from the industrial estate where he was working) as one of them pulled out their mobile phone to call an ambulance, and the other said "where's that guy going? He's the one who hit this guy! I thought he was going to get his phone."

In the end, me and another guy did our best to check the man who had been hit over. He was an old man, in his sixties. Apparently he'd been cycling back from his sisters, and this black lexus just clipped his bike. He said he had no pain in his neck or head, and could count the number of fingers I was holding up. His vision was clear, so we figured there was no head injury, and began to try and help him from the road where he was lying (with someone else trying to stand between him and any oncoming cars. That was when we realised he'd hurt his leg, and made the most horrible noises whenever it touched the ground. It was bent at a funny angle as well. I don't know if we should have left him, but he was in the road, and there were cars oncoming, so we sort of did a fireman's lift, and carried him to the pavement, where I sat with him until the ambulance got there.

The police arrived shortly after. Pretty much as soon as they found out the guy who had hit this poor old man had driven off they started looking pretty serious. They asked us all a load of questions. None of us had gotten the license plate of the man who had driven away. I still feel bad about that. I just didn't think. At least I got the colour and make of the car. We gave the best description we could, and the police started sending out radio alerts - 'all cars be on the look out for a black lexus, driver is a black male in his mid twenties with a shaved head. Suspected involvement in a hit and run accident'. They asked us all for our details and said they would be in touch.

I headed off to college. I thought I was fine, and then I arrived here and just started shaking. All I could think about was that poor old man, lying crumpled in the street. All I could hear were those awful noises when we tried to move him. He was just an old man. Why on earth would anyone want to just drive off and leave him there? He was still crumpled in the road, not quite conscious, when the guy in the lexus left. He could have been dying, he could have been seriously hurt.

It scared me how little I knew. I remembered what to do in case of head or neck injuries. I remembered all that, but I really didn't know what to do with a hurt leg. I don't know if it's broken or not. The angle it was lying at was a bit funny.

And...

I don't know. I am still feeling a bit funny about it. I really hope that poor old man is OK. And it does upset me a bit, that there are people who will just drive off from a situation like that. At least there were four of us who all stopped, who all did everything we could to help. That, at least, makes me feel a bit better about the world.
annwfyn: (Misc - ice skating)
I am feeling a tad mopey.

For the second week running I have failed to make it to my ice skating classes.

The particularly miserable thing about this is that I want to go ice skating. I really really do. For the last two weeks I've checked tfl website, left the house at 6 pm, to get to my lesson at 7.15 pm. I've felt happy and bouncy about going.

Both times something has just gone wrong. You may hear the entire sorry story if you wish )

And if you feel particularly kind and like pandering to me, you may see silly internet tat here as well )
annwfyn: (Misc - ice skating)
I am feeling a tad mopey.

For the second week running I have failed to make it to my ice skating classes.

The particularly miserable thing about this is that I want to go ice skating. I really really do. For the last two weeks I've checked tfl website, left the house at 6 pm, to get to my lesson at 7.15 pm. I've felt happy and bouncy about going.

Both times something has just gone wrong. You may hear the entire sorry story if you wish )

And if you feel particularly kind and like pandering to me, you may see silly internet tat here as well )
annwfyn: (Mood - winter melancholy)
First of all, for those of you who have never been down to Camberwell, here is a picture of the place I work for three days per week.

Camberwell College of Art and the South London Gallery )

Secondly, I shall now ramble.

A rambling update on my experiences so far at Camberwell )

Some other life stuff )
annwfyn: (Mood - winter melancholy)
First of all, for those of you who have never been down to Camberwell, here is a picture of the place I work for three days per week.

Camberwell College of Art and the South London Gallery )

Secondly, I shall now ramble.

A rambling update on my experiences so far at Camberwell )

Some other life stuff )
annwfyn: (Mood - fox curled up)
This )...is what my brain looks like today. All cluttered up with broken bits that just seem to be reinforcing the other shards and splinters.

And I know the broken bits are all dead wood, stuff I need to just clear out, but it just seems very difficult today.

The particularly annoying bit is that I know that many many people I know are having a far worse time than me at the moment. I'm just people-stressed, and money-stressed, and game-stressed and change-stressed, and somewhere along the line, I've started to crack along the joints.

And in a less metaphorical and more literal way, I got a parking ticket this morning coz I forgot to move my car last night, and now do not have the petrol money to go and see my li'l sis and her new house in Hertfordshire.

This makes me decidedly unhappy.
annwfyn: (Mood - fox curled up)
This )...is what my brain looks like today. All cluttered up with broken bits that just seem to be reinforcing the other shards and splinters.

And I know the broken bits are all dead wood, stuff I need to just clear out, but it just seems very difficult today.

The particularly annoying bit is that I know that many many people I know are having a far worse time than me at the moment. I'm just people-stressed, and money-stressed, and game-stressed and change-stressed, and somewhere along the line, I've started to crack along the joints.

And in a less metaphorical and more literal way, I got a parking ticket this morning coz I forgot to move my car last night, and now do not have the petrol money to go and see my li'l sis and her new house in Hertfordshire.

This makes me decidedly unhappy.
annwfyn: (Sally - looking backwards)
I found these this morning - Lower Road where my house is, back at the turn of century.

pics underneath )

I have a massive fondness for old photos. I'm not sure why - probably because they do provide this single glimpse into the past.

I went peering for other old photos of where my ancestors were at that period in time - Auchinleck, in Ayrshire, Montreal, in Quebec, and other places of which I know nothing - and found to my great disappointment that the pics looked disturbingly similar and provided no contrast at all - I found other pics of men in peaked caps standing in front of stone houses with a cart or two in the background. As such, I didn't post them up, as I'm not convinced those pics have much to say, which is a mild shame.

Hunting for pics made me ponder why it was that I was so keen on hunting for pics of the places my family came from. I've got a fondness for family history, perhaps coz I worked in it for so long. While I don't believe that you are entirely the sum total of your ancestry, and it is possible and indeed normal for a family to stray a long way from their roots, I do think it's nice to know where you did come from, and who your ancestors were. It's nice to feel part of a continuity, going back as far as you can. It gives another spin on history to be able to read a book and say 'that's where I would have fitted in'. It kinda helps makes sense of the past, and that's important to me.

Some personal stuff )

*sighs*

And that's me...
annwfyn: (Sally - looking backwards)
I found these this morning - Lower Road where my house is, back at the turn of century.

pics underneath )

I have a massive fondness for old photos. I'm not sure why - probably because they do provide this single glimpse into the past.

I went peering for other old photos of where my ancestors were at that period in time - Auchinleck, in Ayrshire, Montreal, in Quebec, and other places of which I know nothing - and found to my great disappointment that the pics looked disturbingly similar and provided no contrast at all - I found other pics of men in peaked caps standing in front of stone houses with a cart or two in the background. As such, I didn't post them up, as I'm not convinced those pics have much to say, which is a mild shame.

Hunting for pics made me ponder why it was that I was so keen on hunting for pics of the places my family came from. I've got a fondness for family history, perhaps coz I worked in it for so long. While I don't believe that you are entirely the sum total of your ancestry, and it is possible and indeed normal for a family to stray a long way from their roots, I do think it's nice to know where you did come from, and who your ancestors were. It's nice to feel part of a continuity, going back as far as you can. It gives another spin on history to be able to read a book and say 'that's where I would have fitted in'. It kinda helps makes sense of the past, and that's important to me.

Some personal stuff )

*sighs*

And that's me...
annwfyn: (love - woman in white)
Today would have been my Mum's birthday. She would have been 58 today.

I miss her so much.

Bah. Not a lot more to say. Today is also my birthday - I was born on Mum's 30th birthday - so it's an odd and mixed day. [profile] pierot is in Portsmouth and will hopefully be back by around 7 pm. I'm on my own in the house, theoretically working on my thesis. I've given myself one birthday treat so far and drove to Greenwich to go to Goddard's Pie Shop, which makes amazing rubarb crumble. I've had my rubarb crumble for breakfast, and now I'm pottering around feeling quite touched and happy at the number of good birthday wishes I've had over livejournal.

I also had e mails from [profile] riksowden, [profile] melsner and [profile] vilenspotens which was deeply sweet.

It's an odd day for me today. Bittersweet memories, odd feelings...I'm restless and awkward in my mind.

I shall try and not brood, but I fear I will be overly thoughtful. If anyone has anything they can think of to distract me, it would be more than welcome...
annwfyn: (love - woman in white)
Today would have been my Mum's birthday. She would have been 58 today.

I miss her so much.

Bah. Not a lot more to say. Today is also my birthday - I was born on Mum's 30th birthday - so it's an odd and mixed day. [profile] pierot is in Portsmouth and will hopefully be back by around 7 pm. I'm on my own in the house, theoretically working on my thesis. I've given myself one birthday treat so far and drove to Greenwich to go to Goddard's Pie Shop, which makes amazing rubarb crumble. I've had my rubarb crumble for breakfast, and now I'm pottering around feeling quite touched and happy at the number of good birthday wishes I've had over livejournal.

I also had e mails from [profile] riksowden, [profile] melsner and [profile] vilenspotens which was deeply sweet.

It's an odd day for me today. Bittersweet memories, odd feelings...I'm restless and awkward in my mind.

I shall try and not brood, but I fear I will be overly thoughtful. If anyone has anything they can think of to distract me, it would be more than welcome...

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